I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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