my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
