Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
