And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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