I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
