Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
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