When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
