I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize