So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
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