in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
