it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
