forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
