Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
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