The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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