Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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