I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
