She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
