No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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