I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
