I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
there is glitter all over my balls
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