We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
