There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
