He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
