dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
