You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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