Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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