Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
