this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Randomize
