please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
