i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
