sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
My liver is preforming stress tests.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
