I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
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I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
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I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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