why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
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Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
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THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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