Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
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so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
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I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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