i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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