You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
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Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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