i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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