Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Acid is not a monday night drug
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
