Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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