you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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