Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
