peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I miss vodka workout Fridays
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
