I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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