Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
