You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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