i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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