i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
