Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
