how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
