I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
