Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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