I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
