I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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