I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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