I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
