Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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